Raise your hand if you would like to bang Justin Trudeau. (I think we already know where your other hand is.)

The Prime Minister recently launched his Blonde Ambition tour by bravely wearing a traditional headdress outside the grounds of a music festival. The Tsuut’ina First Nation bestowed him with the name Gumistiyi which means “the one that keeps trying,” and the shade in that name will keep the sun off your eyes.

Justin “just call me PJ” Trudeau then showed off his guns and his softer side by holding up two tiny, furry symbols of China’s adorable power over us. The Toronto Zoo kept the media out of the photo op so journalists couldn’t ask any questions like “Mr. Panda, do you feel the koala has stolen your act?” Trudeau then went on 60 Minutes to tell Americans they should read more, like many visiting Canadians often do; the broadcast also dropped the tightly held secret that Kim Cattrall is actually his mom. I know I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Margaret Trudeau was part of an elaborate plot to make Papa Pierre seem hot.

By Tuesday PMJT was penning editorials in the Globe and Mail about feminism just to ramp up the foreplay. On International Women’s Day, he whispered in both official languages, “Hey girl, do you know any non-fictional dead women we can put on the money?” Swoon. Finally, to fulfill all your deepest fantasies, he brought a black guy into the mix. The Prime Minister is very attentive that way. He even got Barack to promise us a visit this summer so get your bikini bodies ready. Sophie and Michelle got to work by promoting girls’ education while the boys played at Liberal World Leader.

The Trudeaus were raised right and brought a couple Canadian hostess gifts including winter shoes for dogs which is either a horseman of the apocalypse or the next phase in our mutation.  It’s a massively important meeting on both sides of the border so naturally the most important question is, what will the wives wear? This time next year, this porn site’s most-searched terms for Canada will just be “Justin” from coast to coast (SFW). Because it’s 2017.

Back in the Capital, you can’t leave these kids without a supervisor. A Conservative MP sent out an email that cited the death of Cpl. Nathan Cirillo and connected it with immigration so she could raise funds in exchange for which she would send hams to donors. It is hard to answer questions about a Mad Libs, so the MP and the Conservative leader tried to avoid BuzzFeed’s Paul McLeod in the most awkward way.

“I’m from BuzzFeed and I have a couple of quest—”

Speaking of awkward positions in Ottawa, the combined newsrooms of the Ottawa Citizen and the Ottawa Sun finally have an editor-in-chief. In regional awkwardness, the Press Gallery of the Ontario legislature denied Queen’s Park Today’s Allison Smith membership for four years because she’s a “blogger.” Things got even more awkward when she tried to join them in person and they wouldn’t let her in initially, but then let her pass. (A nightclub with very few people inside can’t afford to keep out people who want to buy drinks in my unsolicited and unprofessional opinion.) In entirely unrelated news, they’re arming the guards at Queen’s Park.

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Not Sorry is written by Vicky Mochama who would like to hear from you if you have stories about your favourite global leader in a leather jacket. Support this important journalism via CANADALAND Patreon. Subscribe. @ Us.